Let's play catch up...

Soooo...it's been a long time since I was here, I know. The last couple of years have really given me a beat down. I went through an awful bout with my thyroid and was diagnosed with Grave's Disease. I've also been dealing with losing my home to foreclosure and the aftermath of sharing a place with a family member and his girlfriend who seem to think I'm made of money and they don't need to pay their way. My depression is the worst it's been in a long time.

It's really hard to suddenly realize that the reason you lost your home and are now living in a 30 year old, rented mobile home is because your own children down give a damn. It's hard trying to wrap your mind around finding out that the very people you gave your heart and soul to make sure they had what they needed, just don't give a damn about what happens to you now. It makes me feel like a complete failure as a parent to know I raised such selfish people.

People often ask "do you have any regrets?" Yes, I have a LOT of regrets. I regret that I did so many things for people I never matter to, ever. I regret being so naive and kind that I didn't see that almost everyone who ever mattered to me, used me. I look back and I don't think anyone ever loved me. All they ever saw me as was someone easy to take advantage of and manipulate into what they wanted.

What can you do? You can't go back and change it. So the only thing to do at this point is figure out how to move on without them. How do you walk away and never look back at your own children and their children? The only time I exist to them is when they need money. Sometimes, I wish I would hit my head so hard I don't remember any of this life...none of it.

For the last year or so, I've basically removed myself from their every day lives. I stay in my room and watch TV or make things for people. My crocheting has really come a long way. I'm working on my knitting skills again, too. I made some liqueurs last year and gave them away as gifts for the holidays. Also some yummy food gifts.  I don't think I'm going to do that anymore. Two years in a row I haven't even received even a Christmas card from any of these people. So, I don't know why I continue to go to the trouble. Either they don't like what I send and they're too nice to say so. Or, they just don't care enough to send a thank you note. Do people even teach their children how to write thank you notes anymore? My guess would be "no".

So many things have happened over the last few years, I feel like I'm going to burst wide open. I can't talk to anyone about how I really feel. I need to get out of this place and on my own. I had a plan for the last two years to move to the West coast. Turns out that was just a pipe dream. I don't think they ever really wanted me there. They were just too nice to say so. I wish I knew what the hell is wrong with me! I can't sleep at night trying to figure out what I'm doing wrong.

So many times I see where someone who was very loved, dies. It makes me so sad, because so many people will miss them. I can't tell you how I wish I could trade places with them, so they can stay. I know I won't be missed. That's hard to admit, because I know I'm a good person and would do anything in my power for someone in need. Maybe I'm just one of those people who go through life, invisible. Many of us are, I guess.

Back in the summer of 1979, I tried to commit suicide. I never could understand (and still don't) why good people get treated badly, while horrible people seem to have it all. It seems so unfair that if there is a God, that he allows that to happen. When I couldn't take it anymore, I tried to leave this life. That day, the phone rang, it was my mother calling. I don't remember why and it doesn't matter. All I know is that if I could go back and tell myself one thing? It would be: don't answer the phone.